Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
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The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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