Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
