woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
In other news, I just burned my penis
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
