someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
