Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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