pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
