I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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