tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
