Jerry, you need to find god
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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