I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
