In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The Olympian is in my bed
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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