i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
