The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
