please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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