i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
