I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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