I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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