I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
i think my cat just said my name.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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