Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
im holly from the hills drunk
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
