The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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