And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
