I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
