I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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