??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
