Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
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And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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