note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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