does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
