Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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