seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
my poor anus
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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