you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
