so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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