What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
