dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
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She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
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I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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