I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
