I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
