Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You need a sexual gate keeper
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
