You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
where are my eyebrows?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
