I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
