ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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