just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
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