I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
