Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
