do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
