And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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