yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
