I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
