you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
