she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
