Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
