Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
