I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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