I wish I could punch you in the face.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
