I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
