new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
