so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
