i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
