He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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