weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
