you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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