My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
