I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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