Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
